Earlier this week, I had to explain to my three children that their grandmother (my mom) had to be rushed to the hospital because of complication from her cancer treatment. When my youngest son asked if we could go visit her in the hospital, I had to explain that she was still very sick and that we would try and visit her the next day, depending on how she was doing. I just wasn’t sure.
After I picked the kids up after school the following day, my son immediately asked if we could go see grandma. I sat all three kids down and explained that grandma had taken a turn for the worse and was now in the intensive-care unit. I then had to explain that because she was in the ICU, which requires all visitors to be fourteen or older, that they couldn’t go a visit. I then sat back and waited for my youngest son to explode. Now my son thrives on structure (he needs routines and schedules) and he is rather self-absorbed (it isn’t that he is selfish, its more that he just doesn’t recognize the thoughts and feeling of others very well). He doesn’t handle change very well either (especially to his routines and schedules). He also likes to hold both his mother and me accountable. If we say we are going to do something, then he expects us to do it. I told him we would try and see grandma, which in his mind means we are going to do it. I fully expected him to be upset and angry that I was going back on my word and that I was changing the afternoon schedule.
My son surprised me though, no he shocked me.
After I finished explaining why we couldn’t go see grandma, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked if we could just drive to the hospital anyway. I asked him why he wanted to go to the hospital when we couldn’t see grandma. He looked at me and just said because I want to (although he was upset, he wasn’t angry). Just looking at his body language, I knew this was an important moment. I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital because he wanted to do something for grandma. He nodded his head yes. I then asked if he wanted to do something to try and make her feel better. Again, he nodded yes. It was then that I realized that he didn’t necessarily want to go to the hospital, he just wanted to do something, anything, for grandma and he felt powerless (much like I did).
A smile broke out across his face and he told me he thought that was a great idea. He ran into the backroom to get crayons and construction paper. He asked about her favorite color and her favorite stuffed animal and got to work. About 15 minutes later, he showed me his card. He had drawn a grizzly bear, a black bear, and a polar bear because grandma likes bears. He wrote get-well soon and he signed his name. He then had another idea. “Dad,” he asked, “do you think I could give grandma one of my stuffed teddy bears to make her feel better?” With tears running down my own cheeks, I told him that was a great idea and we went to pick out a teddy bear. I don’t think I have had a prouder moment with my youngest son.
That evening, when my wife was headed to the hospital to visit grandma, my son climbed out of bed, put the teddy bear in her arms and gave her his card. “Give this to grandma so she will feel better,” he whispered before running back to his bed. The following morning, the first questions he asked were, “Mom, did you give grandma my teddy bear? Did it make her feel better?”
Although my son is in a very concrete stage in his development (he is only seven) and he doesn’t always recognize the feelings of others, in this one instance, he was able to go beyond his own thoughts and feeling. He was able to give of himself to serve others. I don’t think I have ever been more proud of him.
When do children develop empathy? For my youngest son, it was when his grandmother was in the hospital.
Written by James Wilcox