Let’s face it; I have been accused of being sarcastic all of my life. Although I realize that I have a dry sense of humor and that I have been known, on occasion, to make a sarcastic comment, and that I appreciate sarcasm in others, I really don’t think I am all that sarcastic (especially considering that I bite my tongue on about 90% of want I actually want to say). Okay, okay, I admit I can be sarcastic, but I don’t think I am nearly as sarcastic as people give me credit for, especially with my children. One of the problems I run into is that people mistake empathy for sarcasm.
As my wife and I struggle to raise our children to be responsible human beings who recognize that consequences (good or bad) come with their decisions, we try and show them empathy. We try to show them that we understand what they are going through and how they are feeling. We acknowledge that they are mad, angry, sad, or frustrated, but we try very hard to put the decision and the consequences back on them. Now, this does not always work and we have been known to yell, scream, lecture, warn, and threaten. Ultimately, however, our goal is to validate our kids’ feelings and making them take responsibility for their actions. The problem is that people (including my children at times) mistake this empathy, this recognition of their feelings, as sarcasm.
Honestly, and I really mean this, I don’t want to be sarcastic with my kids, especially when they are angry and trying to pick a fight. Really, honestly, I am trying to show them empathy. When I tell them that it must be frustrating to not get dessert because they decided not to eat their dinner, I am being genuine. When they scream about getting money docked from their allowance because they forgot to do their chores and I tell them that is a bummer, I mean it. I really do feel their hurt and recognize their frustration, but that doesn’t mean I am going to “let them out” of their consequences. I am trying to set limits, let my children experience failure and poor decision making, and teach respect, while showing them that I love them and care about them. This is really hard to do (as any parent will tell you).
Am I sarcastic? Sure, I can be. Am I sarcastic with my children? I try very hard not to be. I try to show them empathy. So why do I get accused of being sarcastic when I tell my kids that I love them too much to argue with them? Any suggestions?
Written by James Wilcox