Forming Friendships from Toddler to Teen
As parents, we want our kids to make good friends, friends with whom they have fun and in whom they can confide. Of course, not all kids are social butterflies. So how do you encourage friendships at every stage of the game, from toddler to teen? Read on to learn!
Toddlers and Preschoolers
I envy the easy way in which the tiny crowd makes friends. They can plop down next to any random kid at a park, daycare or preschool, start chatting and…BAM!…they are instant pals. Taking your child places and providing chances for him to be around other kids is what it takes for him to make new friends during this special time.
Playdates, for instance, are a great way for toddlers and preschoolers to try out their social skills. Alyssa Ast, mom of four, says, “Finding parents that have children close in age to yours is a good place to start. Take your children to the park and search these parents out. Strike up a conversation to see whether your families share similarities. If so, set up a playdate in a public area until you become comfortable enough with one another to meet at each other’s houses.”
Never underestimate the power of play! “By taking turns and sharing through activity and play, [children] are beginning to build friendships. It is important to help a child learn this through built-in fun and play-oriented activities that promote taking turns, sharing and caring about their new friends,” says Anna Marie Evans, licensed teacher of Dr. Steven Stosny’s parenting class Compassionate Parenting (CompassionPower.com). “Having children learn these at a young age helps them build a foundation for successful relationships as they mature into adults.”
It may seem a little early to be thinking ahead to friendships during the teen years, but don’t forget that your child is watching you and how you interact with him and with others (friends, family, your spouse or partner) right now. “Whatever the parents give at earlier ages will come home to roost with teenagers. Be there for them as they’re 3 and 8 and 10, and they’ll be halfway normal at 16,” says Victoria Solsberry, LCSW of Arlington, a psychiatric social worker and author of Adoption for Singles.
Elementary Age Kids
If your child attends school, making friends should be easy with so many kids to choose from. Other ways for your child to make friends at this age include groups like Cub Scouts or Girl Scouts, sports (organized through the school or through a parks and recreation department) or clubs where your child can meet kids who share similar interests. If you homeschool, you’ll likely find many groups in your city where you can attend events and where your child can make friends.
When your child reaches elementary school age, you’ll want to make sure you are still modeling what makes a friend, because she’ll learn a lot from how she sees you interact with your spouse, family, coworkers and friends and how you work out disagreements. Talking about what makes a friend (e.g., a friend is someone who doesn’t tease you or try to hurt you; someone who doesn’t talk badly about you behind your back or online; someone who comes to your birthday parties, listens to you, shares his things, offers to have you over to his house or do things with him, etc.) is important too.
As with the toddler and preschooler period, parents are the ones who model friendships. Ask “what if” questions like, “What if a third kid wants to play with you and your friend?” because you want your child to think about how to treat existing and new friends. Talk to your children about sharing, teasing and playing fair; play board games with them; teach them not to get physical or retaliate.
Your kids are looking to you to help them with building friendships. According to Rosemary Burton, vice president of education for Minnieland Private Day School, “The kids who are socially popular are the ones who are able to look at feelings and perspectives from other points of view and are not always worried just about what they are thinking and feeling. To sustain friendships, parents should be working on emotional competence and concentrating not just on the feelings of themselves, but also of other people.”
While getting to know your child’s school friends by having them over often is important, it’s also helpful for kids to have friends in their own neighborhood that they can visit easily and spend large amounts of time with. Rachel Elvin, mom of three, says, “It’s great that my kids have friends who live in our neighborhood. After getting to know the parents, we now just let our sons walk across the street or ride their bikes a block up to hang out at their friend’s house.”
Tweens and Teens
Drama rules during the tween and teen years, and you have the added challenge of helping your child learn how to deal with strong peer pressure along the lines of music, drugs, sex, drinking, how to dress, how to act and more. This season of parenting can make chasing after a marker-wielding toddler seem like a piece of cake.
Victoria Solsberry, LCSW, says, “Teenagers who have received the love and support that they need at earlier ages will stay connected to their parents and at least consider their opinions.” Make sure you pay attention to who your child is hanging out with. Get to know his friends by inviting them over and being the Mom Taxi. And talk to your child about things like making good choices, how to get out of sticky situations, what a “good” friend looks like and how you expect to know where he is at all times.
Teach your child some ways to make friends, including listening to others, smiling at people, keeping the gossip and cattiness to a minimum, talking to people first, being herself, trying to have a good time, inviting someone new to sit with her at lunch. Other ideas include trying out for a school play, participating in a sport, joining a club at school, attending church youth group activities, going to summer camp and so on.
What if your child is hanging out with some kids you don’t approve of? Tweens and teens are like ships that need a lot of steering in the murky waters of hormones and peer pressure. Ellen Jones, mom of five (including twin 14-year-old boys), says, “When my kids want to hang out with kids that have questionable behavior, we encourage the friends to play at our house so we can monitor what goes on. Then we treat them like we treat our kids and correct their behavior. If they don’t like it, they leave.”
The friendship groundwork you lay when your child is just a toddler impacts how she’ll handle friendships when she’s a teenager and beyond. Teach her how to get along with other kids her age (and of other ages) so she can hold onto friends and make new ones throughout her life.
Overland Park mom Kerrie McLoughlin, a seasoned mom of five, blogs at TheKerrieShow.com.