Confidence is a powerful emotion that helps us show up as our best selves and blossom into our full potential. Confident women and moms trust themselves, make decisions without constant second-guessing and worrying what others think, embrace their flaws and have their own backs. Best of all, kids of confident moms tend to have more of this trait, too. It’s important to understand the three saboteurs that destroy confidence in order to rise above them. Every kid deserves a confident mom, and you deserve to be her.
Saboteur #1: Perfectionism
Perfectionism parades as confidence, but it’s a mask. When we obsess about being perfect, we’re doomed to fail because it’s unattainable. Most perfectionists are so afraid of failure that they play very small and safe. When we model perfectionism to our kids—or worse, expect them to get perfect grades or be the star of their sport—we set them up for anxiety, fixed mindsets and living a very safe (but unfulfilling) life. A life without challenge and risk.
Solution: Aim for “good enough” and remember that life isn’t a test; it’s an experiment. Challenge the cliché “good is the enemy of great.” If you struggle with perfectionism, try aiming for a “B” instead of an “A”—it’s not a test; it’s just an experiment.
Saboteur #2: People-Pleasing
A lot of women spend far too much energy worrying about what other people think, trying to please and impress others. Very often, we’re trying to win over people we don’t even like or respect. Why do their opinions matter so much? This is because we have an intrinsic need to belong to the tribe, because thousands of years ago as our brains developed, rejection from the tribe equaled death. Our brains still think we have to please others to survive. When we model people-pleasing behaviors around our kids, we teach them to break under peer pressure and obsess over how they appear to others, rather than being authentically who they are.
Solution: Give people space to judge you without defending yourself, and don’t create drama around other people’s opinions in front of your kids. Keep calm and carry on instead of wasting your time trying to win people over.
Saboteur #3: Comparison
As we scroll through social media and compare other people’s highlight reels to our behind-the-scenes chaos, is it any wonder we get stuck in the comparison trap? The same is true for our kids. Comparison robs us of confidence. The disease of “comparisonitis”—obsessing over how we measure up to others and feeling like we always come up short—distorts our reality. When we complain about how we or our kids don’t measure up, we reinforce this self-destructive belief, operate out of a scarcity mindset and deny our true worth.
Solution: Practice gratitude. The opposite of the scarcity mindset forged by “comparisonitis” is an abundance mindset. To embrace abundance, we have to begin looking for it. For what are you grateful in your own beautiful, abundant life?
Wendy Connelly, M.Div., is a podcaster (MoJo For Moms podcast), life coach and mother of two from Overland Park. You can find Wendy’s latest podcasts, retreats and more at MoJoForMoms.com.
Wendy Connelly, M.Div.