Parenting by the Numbers
Sometimes when you’re parenting you just don’t have all the answers and nothing makes sense and things don’t add up. Here I present to you some parenting word problems, and I’m curious to see your answers. No cheating off the parent next to you! Come up with your own solutions, please.
If two kids raise their hands to go here and three raise their hands to go there, how many tears are shed by the ones who do not get to go where they want?
If the household runs the dishwasher twice a day and the washing machine once a day for one month straight, how many hours will Mom have to work to make money for a maid service? How old will the kids be when they will clean the house while Mom eats her bon bons in the tub?
Mom spent five hours scraping wallpaper in the kitchen. She spent two hours washing and sanding one wall in the same kitchen. How long will it be before she stops procrastinating putting on the spackle? When she DOES spackle the joint, how badly will she mess it up, and how long will it take her husband to fix it?
The kids made $35 at a recent garage sale during two days of the adults’ doing hard work and sitting around waiting for customers. The adults made about $25. Why do we keep having garage sales?
Mom spends $123 at Aldi, $132 at Price Chopper and $21 at Hy-Vee on grocery shopping for two weeks of eating. How much faster did the grocery shopping get done without children?
A stroller travels at a speed of 2 mph when it is empty. How fast does it travel when it is holding the sixth child (a.k.a. the Toshiba laptop) and backpack with a cell phone in it? With how much force did it hit the park lake last week? Why in the world is there not a brake on the stroller? (don't worry; no kids were in the stroller!)
If X, Y and Z activities are all going on at the same time in the same week, each week, calculate the trajectory of exactly when and where Mom will lose her mind.
Calculate the distance between your house and the nearest Starbucks. The nearest book store. The nearest chocolate shop. Now figure how much it will cost for Uber to take you to all three. Better yet, when will Starbucks join Ubereats?
If your son invites over one friend and your daughter invites over two friends, how quickly will the food in your home disappear and how long until someone is accidentally injured while roughhousing? Bonus: Where is the nearest store where you can purchase earplugs!
If a vacuum cleaner is around 70 decibels, and you have to vacuum four times a week to make your house look halfway decent because you have twin toddlers running around with crackers all day long, how long will you have to save to hire a maid service? Bonus: Calculate the shock and horror on the face of said maid when he/she arrives.
Kerrie McLoughlin is a homeschooling mom of five who just moved from Overland Park to 8 acres in Peculiar, MO, and writes about it at TheKerrieShow.com.