Did you know there is a way to break free from worrying so much about your kids? You may be thinking, “Well, you obviously haven’t met my teenager,” or, “But my toddler is way behind the curve,” or, “If you only knew what my kid is dealing with right now.” Then this article’s for you. Because here’s the deal: Worry isn’t going to solve your kids’ problems. It’s only going to steal your joy. Let’s take your joy back from worry.
Why Your Brain Likes to Worry
Our brains want to be right at all costs, even at the cost of our happiness. When our brains latch onto a worried thought (a thought like, “What if [fill-in-the-blank] happens?”), they will search for any evidence to prove the thought true. Our brain’s need to be right is like an excellent attorney building up a strong case and a very poor detective overlooking crucial and relevant evidence to the contrary.
Our brains have another glitch: They like to conserve energy. Worry takes very little brainpower because it kicks us into rumination-mode. We just think the worried thought on auto-pilot, and all this rumination tricks us into feeling productive but gets us nowhere.
Allow Yourself Worry Time
When you feel a pang of worry about your kids, get a paper and pen and spend one or two minutes doing a “Thought Dump,” dumping all your worried thoughts out onto the page. Then, examine every worried thought with three questions:
- Is it true or even likely?
- Is it helpful to focus on this?
- Can I take some action to prevent this?
Another strategy is to give yourself “Worry Office Hours,” and I’d recommend five to 10 minutes a day (3:30 in the carpool pickup lane?). Whenever a worried thought shows up, tell it to come back at precisely 3:30 and you’ll entertain it. Spend 10 minutes giving it your full attention, but when time’s up, it needs to go away until tomorrow’s office hours. This breaks the habit of constant worry and rewires your brain for longer periods of peace.
Peel a “Why Onion”
A potent tool for discovering the root of our worries is the “Why Onion.” Often, moms tell me they’re worried about their kids because they don’t want them to suffer. But sometimes preventing our kids’ pain serves us more than it truly serves our kids. Let’s say you’re worried about your daughter’s not making the soccer team. Here’s how we’d use the “Why Onion” exercise:
Q: WHY does your daughter’s not making the team worry you?
A: Because she’ll miss out.
Q: WHY does her missing out worry you?
A: Because it’ll hurt her feelings.
Q: WHY are you worried about her feelings being hurt?
A: Because it hurts me as a mom to see my child hurt. (Aha!)
Once you’ve peeled back enough “why” layers, you’ll land on a feeling. At its deepest root, very often our worries are more about us than about what’s best for our kids.
Wendy Connelly, M.Div., is a podcaster (MoJo For Moms podcast), life coach and mother of two from Overland Park. You can find Wendy’s latest podcasts, retreats and more at MoJoForMoms.com.
Wendy Connelly, M.Div.